Untitled

It's almost five in the morning and I am sitting in a friend's house in Brooklyn. They are all asleep, or hooking up. I, alone, sit here and listen to music. Innocence by Bjork. This song is very true and touching.

"I once had no fears
none at all
and then when
I had some

to my surprise
I grew to like both
scared or brave
without them

the thrill of fear
thought I'd never admit it
the thrill of fear
now greatly enjoyed with courage

when I once was
untouchable
innocence roared
still amazes

when I once was
innocent
it's still here
but in different places"

One of my biggest fears I believe was to be alone. I think it's because my parents got divorced when I was young, and my mom moved to U.S.A shortly after. I always believed that I would have someone with me. A lover, a friend, anyone. But believe it or not I think the only person I truly have is my mother. She's my everything and she's the rock that keeps me strong. I am surrounded by people I love, but sometimes I still fell pretty empty. Not just like a "ugh, i am bored", it's something deeper then that. I can be in a room filled with people and I would still feel a little like "alone". Tonight was no exception. I really do love all my friends, but sometimes I feel like I am not a good enough friend, or that when I am good to someone, they don't return it to me.

"should I
save myself
for later
or generously give?"

Generously give?! Sounds good, but how will this make me feel? Drained? Empty? I don't know. Lately I am trying to save myself, but give at needed times. Even though I feel like this sometimes, I feel much better in my life. Work is going well, and my relationship with my mom seems to be stronger. Then I stop and think about friends, there's not many people I consider to be my TRUE TRUE friend. When I was in High School, I had a fierce group of friends, but as much as we said that we were always going to be in touch, and talk to each other, we all have seemed to fall apart. I barely ever see Dominique and let me not even start on Leticia. Maybe I was too naive to believe that we would truly be all BEST FRIENDS FOREVER ! I don't know. Is it me? Did I fuck up?

I feel as if I need a fresh start.

Let's paint it all white, and start over. I have had more then 5 new fresh starts.

I miss my family. I wish my father cared more, I wish I knew that I could count on some of my family members, because they can always count with me.

ugh.

I don't know.


"For I am the first and the last.

I am the honored one and the scorned one.

I am the whore and the holy one.

I am the wife and the virgin.

I am and the daughter.

[...]

For I am knowledge and ignorance.

I am shame and boldness.

I am shameless; I am ashamed.

I am strength and I am fear.

I am war and peace.

Give heed to me.

I am the one who is disgraced and the great one."

-Thunder, Perfect Mind.